Motoring Humour
Good, clean fun with the emphasis on motoring

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Only a Newfoundlander could think of this.... from the province where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently, a routine police patrol parked outside a George Street tavern. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathaliser test. To his amazement the Breathaliser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathaliser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it, "said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

The following was sent to me from a old friend working in Hong Kong. It may not be motoring but it is transport related.

"The Battle of Trafalgar versus H & S Regulations."

It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform. How Nelson would have fared if he's been subject to modern health and safety regulations. Just imagine you are now on the deck of the recently
renamed British Flagship, HMS Appeasement.

"Order the signal. Hardy."
"Aye, aye, sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry, sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged sir."
"In that case - kiss me Hardy."

 Northern Centre Sec., Ivor pauses for a drink and a photo at the "BAR SOLE" during his St. Moritz trip for the European Healey meet.
 Renowned for his accuracy of grammar we were surprised to receive his article headed "St Mortitz"! .. Was he trying to tell us something?
If you like corny, try this one.                                                          

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar, gets a beer and sits down.
Then, the M1 walks in. He says, "I've had a really bad day and you do not want to mess with me!"
The black tarmac tells him to calm down and asks if he wants to join him for a drink.
The M1 and the black tarmac sit down together.
Then, the Dual
Carriageway walks in. He says, "I have had a really, really bad day and you do not want to mess with me".
The black tarmac and the M1 tell him to calm down and the Dual Carriageway joins them for a drink.
Just then, a piece of red tarmac walks in and the black tarmac starts shaking and whimpering. The bartender asks if anything's wrong and the black tarmac replies,
"What ever you do don't mess with him...... he's a cycle path!!"

Water in the carburetter
WIFE -- There's something wrong with the car. It has water in the carburetter.
HUSBAND -- Water in the carburetter? That's ridiculous.
WIFE -- I tell you the car has water in the carburetter.
HUSBAND -- Honey, you don't know what a carburetter is, I'll check it out. Where is the car?
WIFE -- In the swimming pool.
A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway. He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving. The cop yelled, "Pull over!" The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

This photo was taken by Mike Pye on his recent trip to the Western Isles of Scotland. It carries the caption 
"Cor! Nice motor!"

The challenge is on to think up an even more amusing caption. My contribution is 
"Gee! I bet this little beauty isn't short on horse power!"
Can any of you Healey enthusiasts dream up a better one??

"I bet this has plenty of hoof!" (Ken Broster)
"How about a drive?" (Also KB)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home, watching TV and drinking a beer, when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard confronts him yelling, "You Sign! You sign!". 
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. 
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!". 
Mandela says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. 
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the same Chinese man is back, this time with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You  sign!". 
Nelson Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!". Then he slams the door in his face again. 
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is that same infuriating Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"  Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. 
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little  man by his shirtfront and shouts, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?". 
The Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: 
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"


On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. 
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. 
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?", asks the attendant. 
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. 
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. 
"Bejesus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy Manchester bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the breath analyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

House in the country.....$1 million;  
3 luxury cars.....$150,000;  
Leaving town during a cold Michigan winter without turning off the water pipes in your garage..........PRICELESS!!

Microsoft in Detroit?

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

A 'dumb blonde' joke from Richard Frisk.

A blonde female police officer pulled over a blonde girl in a convertible sports car for speeding. 
She walked up to the car and asked the blonde for her driver's license.
The blonde convertible driver searched through her purse in vain. Finally she asked, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer told her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searched for a few more seconds, pulled out her compact, opened it and sure enough saw herself. 
She handed the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds of looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolled her eyes, handed the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and said, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

Do you remember the old advertising slogan.... "GO TO WORK ON AN EGG" ?
  Well, this fellow rang up the AA. "I can't get my egg to start this morning!"
     The AA told him that they did not deal with eggs, but suggested that he called Shell.
  So he rang Shell. "Have you tried pulling out the yolk?" they asked him.
      He confirmed that he had not and rang Shell back half an hour later.
  "Thanks for the advice," he told them. "I pulled out the yolk and its all white now!"
Motorised coffin            Motorised loo
The motorised coffin above reminds me of an unfortunate incident when a hearse traveling through town was involved in an accident with a bus.
The impact of the accident caused the rear doors to fly open and the coffin to slide out onto the road. It was a steep hill and the casket bounced down the cobbled street until it reached a tee junction. It mounted the kerb, slid across the pavement and smashed into the plate glass window of a Pharmacy. It then slid across the shop floor and hit the counter at the far end where the impact threw the casket upright, the lid fell off and the deceased fell out across the counter.
The chemist was horrified when the head looked up at him and asked him "Do you have anything to stop this coffin?"
Ghetto Cruiser in need of light restoration.
Sign on a public bus in Orlando.

"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step."

"If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."


Here is one told to us my comedian, Leroy James, at our annual dinner dance.                                           
    I went to this night club the other evening. The doorman told me, "You are not coming in here without a tie!" I went back to my car and searched around. In the boot I found a set of jump leads, so I tied these around my neck and went back to the night club. The doorman took a close look and said, "OK, you can come in, but don't start anything!"
And a few Tommy Cooper specials. (Well some of them are motoring related.)                                          

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press
the hash key..."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "Is it common?", "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it".

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

With apologies to Peter Hobson for doctoring his Sprite with my new picture editor.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by the police. The following exchange takes place....
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were doing at least 55 in a 40 area."
Man: "No sir, I was doing 35."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were doing 60." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to book you for having a broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Madam, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

Two very different paint jobs.


The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British governments' "'Work for the Dole'" scheme and employ unemployable Scousers.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.
This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari Management.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first practice session.
Not only were the Scouser's Pit Crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four bottles of Stella, a gramme of Speed and a photo of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

Bet the Healey would look well with a paint job like this!